Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
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Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
reminder
