Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
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Me when my alarm goes off
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.