Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
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[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time