Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
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I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
🤣🤣💀
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
in 3 months
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!