Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
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Me: yeah was bingo the name of the dog or the farmer
Professor: i meant questions about the exa- holy shit
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
AC changed “laughing at your gif” to “laughing at your God” and now I’ve accidentally started a religious war in this group text…
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Not all Heroes wear capes.
But HR says I do have to wear pants, which is such bullshit..
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST