@perlhack

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

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@SethMacFarlane

Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.

@ValeeGrrl

Me: Ready for school?

7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost

@robin_991

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

@OMGSoOverIt

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

@keelyflaherty

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

@ToxicProbably

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

@awkwardphilippe

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

@Mr_Kapowski

[1st day in Hell]

Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-

Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?

Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!

Me: Ya, snacks

Satan:

Me:

Satan: 3 pm

@bromanconsul

sorry son. I know u had ur heart set on college but Grandma had to throw her massive diamond into the ocean to deal w some emotional stuff

@BoomBoomBetty

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]