@perlhack

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

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@toomanytoes

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

@roostermustache

Me: yeah was bingo the name of the dog or the farmer

Professor: i meant questions about the exa- holy shit

@UncleDuke1969

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

@caithuls

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

@Elizasoul80

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

@4handfuls

AC changed “laughing at your gif” to “laughing at your God” and now I’ve accidentally started a religious war in this group text…

@rockymomax

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

@_Bad_Karma

Not all Heroes wear capes.

But HR says I do have to wear pants, which is such bullshit..

@JoParkerBear

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST