Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
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Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?