Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
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Me: Ready for school?
7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
[1st day in Hell]
Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-
Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?
Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!
Me: Ya, snacks
Satan: 3 pm
sorry son. I know u had ur heart set on college but Grandma had to throw her massive diamond into the ocean to deal w some emotional stuff
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.