Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
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Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
No. YOU-buprofen.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
A McRib killed my tapeworm.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”