Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.