Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

Why the hell does that hurt now?

Me, waking up every morning.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road