Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
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god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.