*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
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This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes