Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

“just sayin” who asked you though?

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

guys i’ve cracked the code

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

are there any atheist mantises?

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

So the ex texted me

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

Added some new forms of payment to this store…