[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
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I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
The human personality is made of five key elements
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track