[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
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My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
what’s the point then??
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
“Why you watching this shit?”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
