[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
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INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
she has a point
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.