*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
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My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts