Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

I’m so full I could puke a horse

SQUARREL

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.