Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…

it’s a running joke…

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

If you know, you know 😂🚔

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

But that’s none of my business

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.