Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

I can’t be the only one 😂

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

our love story in four pictures

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t