Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

house sitting!

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

so much to do