Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

every single time

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog