Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

Yes, but it was never about money

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?