Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

😂😂

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

I see your IQ test came back negative

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

this is so top tier i cant

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread