Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids