Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

A Short Story.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.