Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

adding to the discourse

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave