Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Mhm.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight