@Tmoney68

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

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@Unkle_K

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”ChiefTwittler”;s:5:”image”;s:78:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2586395865/3cpu7zbdviimc9b8xavl_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”169693914905841664″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”669″;s:5:”tweet”;s:60:”My plan, if I ever go to prison: I’m faking a headache 24/7.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@RxitWounds

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

@daemonic3

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

@dave_cactus

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

@Kimpulses

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

@EndhooS

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a cop]

me: suspect is running nude through downtown

dispatch: copy that

me: *starts undressing*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.