Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.