Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened