Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

Oh my god

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

The Eggorcist

Who says great literature is dead?

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.