Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

apparently this year was written by stephen king

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job