Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

My friend is an excellent librarian.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are