Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
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9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Saw online –
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?