Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

mood

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening