“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
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How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat