“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
You Might Also Like
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
This tweet has been deleted
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”