“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
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sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.