A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
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Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Sunday
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.