Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

is this a warning or an offer?

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.