*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
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My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake