*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
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Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
This January has 47 Mondays
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.