*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
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700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Breaking news:
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent