Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
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I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Jesus Christ lmao
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this