Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
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The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
A leaf blower, but for people.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.