Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Mistakes were made

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

me, too, girl. me, too.

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.