Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no