relationship goals
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“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.