relationship goals
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I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Don’t talk down to me
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.