relationship goals
You Might Also Like
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?