Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Do one thing every day that scares people.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”