Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
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Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”