Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.