Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
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I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Meow
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”