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Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
