RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
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finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Managing expectations
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!