Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
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I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Good morning, Twitter 😊
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
