Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
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What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
podcasts
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.