If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
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A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.