My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
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ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.