Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.