Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
You Might Also Like
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
inside you are two wolves
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.