Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
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My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot