me as a parent
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Good news
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds