@kwirkyKerri

Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!

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@SladeWentworth

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

@Boleyngirly

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

@jctwritesstuff

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

@Browtweaten

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

@LuckoftheDraw86

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

@littlelady899

But were you called “dream wife” on the internet today?

Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.

@HeyJennyLeone

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

@goldengateblond

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

@JeffisTallguy

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

@EndhooS

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.