It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
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[the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there
Worst bar ever.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[Alternate Universe Where Lassie Hated Timmy]
Ruth: Lassie, have you seen Timmy?
Lassie: *puts out cigarette* Nope
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”