@kwirkyKerri

Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!

You Might Also Like

@GrowlyGrego

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

@david8hughes

[the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there

@Try2StopME

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

@MarkAgee

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

@OctopusCavemann

[Alternate Universe Where Lassie Hated Timmy]

Ruth: Lassie, have you seen Timmy?

Lassie: *puts out cigarette* Nope

@VapingSonic

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

@peb671

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”