Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
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When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
How software testing works
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
you can only post this today
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale