Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
You Might Also Like
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!