Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

…u ok Nintendo?

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.