Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
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Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’